just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
