i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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