I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
