we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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