my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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