Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
