I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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