you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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