i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
