I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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