I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
