i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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