Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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