Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
