Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
this is an emotional support booty call
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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