I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
