My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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