I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
