the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
