just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
