So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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