Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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