Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
