I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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