mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
