checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
This baby is an asshole
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
