Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
