Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
