Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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