Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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