I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
