so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
