I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
