thus making me awesome and them whores
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I am midnight drunk by noon
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
