I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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