I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
