I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
