i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
