Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
