Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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