i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
