we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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