And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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