I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
