someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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