What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
it's like iHOP with fire
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
