I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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