I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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