I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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