so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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