Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
