I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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