one might say we're banned from that church
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
