Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
