I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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