And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
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do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
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After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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