How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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