Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
