Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
wanna go halves on a baby?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
