I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
