i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
